The Queue: 365 Movies I Never Saw Because I've Spent Too Much Time on Twitter - Part 4 (April 2023)
Part 4 of a 12-part series whereupon I watch one movie a day and rank them in their given month based entirely on subjective preferences.
The rules:
1) must be a movie I've never seen
2) review must be 32 words or less
3) must include an assortment of genres, directors, countries, and films inside and outside my comfort zone
4) must watch the film in its entirety, no matter how atrocious
Like you, I have a lot of movies on my list, many of which are so painfully popular, I carry great shame in having missed them. Few regrets. But great shame.
For each, I shall write only brief thoughts and become an intolerable quasi-cinephile who thinks Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles is more interesting than any Marvel movie, and Phil Alden Robinson is a better director than James Cameron. Both of which are true.
I apologize for nothing.
Enjoy.
~MJM
It's no Romancing the Stone. None are. Enjoyable to a point? I guess? But not much of a complete movie.
The trailer was terrible, but the film is ... not terrible. Per se. It's attempting to say something, but doesn't land. Broad comedy aside, an exhausting sermon without nuance.
#28) Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)
A buffet of body horror. I (and you) most definitely haven't seen anything like it. Respect the effects, just felt lacking. More of an art installment.
#27) Slums of Beverly Hills (1998)
A smidgen too aimless, but a noble little movie smart enough to cast a now-or-at-least-one-day iconic actress of our time.
Some of the scenes are just *chef's kiss* nasty. But not so gross they seem artificial. Also, it's really dopey but very fun. Anyway. Classic Raimi.
An objectively mid comedy with objectively quotable lines.
Structure feels off, and the pacing never builds to anything interesting despite how good each scene may be, but who am I to give Orson Welles script notes?
I was expecting more laughs (?), but that's hardly a criticism for what is, very simply, a long, enjoyable anti-drug commercial from the 80s.
Feels like a feature-length proof-of-concept for a feature ... Would be interesting if Nolan did an updated version (I said, to the cringe of Nolan bros everywhere).
#21) To All the Boys I've Loved Before (2018)
Just wondering how many millions this would have made in theaters ... Shame it was streaming only. Beyond charming for this genre. Lana Condor: star.
#20) North by Northwest (1959)
I'll be in the minority, but aren't Rear Window and The Birds more entertaining Hitchcock films? Was there a shot clock he had to beat at the end?
I'm still convinced this doesn't actually exist and was a nightmare I had after watching too many movies set in New York.
#18) Deconstructing Harry (1997)
A very well-kept, organized mess.
Slow burn with a nice payoff in the end (which is also somehow a slow burn). Hype proved real.
Subtly unsettling. Japanese horror hits different.
Sadistic Lite. Rossellini at her ultimate, in what I shall assume was a difficult role. Dennis Hopper is organically terrifying, the final scenes are bizarre ... Just no comp for David Lynch.
#14) 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)
The second half is tight, but why is it they didn't make three more of these movies and a TV series and a video game?
... uncomfortably uncomfortable. Like a Todd Solondz film—but more unsettling, as this takes itself seriously.
I coulda done without the Very Whatever scenes with the Greek actors, and I hate them to an unreasonable degree. Spoils an otherwise solid Woody Allen movie.
Unexpected in how it's structured (especially the last ~45 minutes). And the office girl actress is 🔥.
#10) Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)
Wanted to watch because it's set in San Pedro and I could say "I KNOW THAT PLACE" every 35 seconds. It's emo and melodramatic and I loved it.
#9) John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017)
Feels like it tries so much harder than the first one to be cool—and successfully, so ...
#8) John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum (2019)
I don't know how Wick fandom ranks this installment, but it's more or less tops for me. With the fourth pending.
I avoided the spoilers my whole life, so I guess I didn't know what to expect, but did not see this deranged, distressing monstrosity coming. Extraordinary.
#6) The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)
Movie reviewers, the dispensable brethren of thoughtful film critics, deemed this hollow and meaningless. They were right. And it's a pleasant watch.
If you, too, jam to the sweet tune of Rian Johnson but missed this, you'll also want to atone and watch it. Kind of a perfect sci-fi/action.
I tried watching this when it first came out and never finished because #borrrrrinnng, but now I found it charming. It's very 2012 Living in the City and Discovering Yourself.
The juxtaposition of music and subject matter is jarring in the best way. A rare classic horror where the ending is satisfying. Couldn't stop thinking about it for weeks.
I'd have sworn I had seen it, discovered I didn't, and yes, everyone needs to watch it before they die/get maimed of sight and sound.
Far be it from me to tell anyone how to write a comedy, but if I read this as a spec, I'd have flipped out. Props to the people responsible for this cast.
Read previous lists: January | February | March
*Feature image by Graham Sisk, created for Pipeline Artists