The Queue: 365 Movies I Never Saw Because I've Spent Too Much Time on Twitter

Part 9 of a 12-part series whereupon I watch one movie a day and rank them in their given month based entirely on subjective preferences.

The rules:

1) must be a movie I've never seen

2) review must be 32 words or less

3) must include an assortment of genres, directors, countries, and films inside and outside my comfort zone

4) must watch the film in its entirety, no matter how atrocious

Like you, I have a lot of movies on my list, many of which are so painfully popular, I carry great shame in having missed them. Few regrets. But great shame.

For each, I shall write only brief thoughts and become an intolerable quasi-cinephile who thinks Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles is more interesting than any Marvel movie, and Phil Alden Robinson is a better director than James Cameron. Both of which are true.

I apologize for nothing.

Enjoy.

~MJM

#30) The Craft (1996)

There's a better version of this movie buried somewhere in this movie.

#29) Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

I just flat out didn't get the appeal.

#28) Toys (1992)

It's just unnecesarily messy, but—and there isn't enough space to explain why—I bet if this were a foreign film it'd be declared a near-iconic piece of cinema.

#27) Trust (1990)

Not as intriguing for me as The Unbelievable Truth, but I think I get Hal Hartley now (?)—somewhere between John Hughes and, um, David Lynch (sans weirdness)?

#26) The Cars That Ate Paris (1974)

One of the few Weir films I hadn't seen. Slow-ish. But so many random funny bits in it, and it's so Australian, and you should probably I guess make time for it?

#25) Murder by Death (1976)

Incredible how poorly this aged. But—looking at it through the lens of the 1970s, it's ... y'know, watchable. Like a violent tragedy. The cast is too good to pass up entirely.

#24) Radio Days (1987)

Just not my thing. Glazed over. However—I'd argue against personal opinion and say it's worth a watch. Legend says Kubrick saw it twice, so who am I to argue?

#23) Hardcore (1979)

George C. Scott's brief but memorable fake mustache ftw.

#22) Stardust Memories (1980)

Perfectly okay. Didn't buy the relationships with the two women. A lot weaker than his others of the era.

#21) My Blue Heaven (1990)

I miss Rick Moranis. And I dunno, some suss directing spoils what could have been a better film. No justice for Ephron.

#20) Heathers (1988)

Stylized, over-the-top, teenage nonsense ... no notes (but the ending feels cluttered). Still relevant.

#19) The Girl Next Door (2004)

Second half gets a bit too goofy for its own good. Hardly noticed, though, because Elisha Cuthbert is all sparkle.

#18) Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972)

I still have sex questions.

#17) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

For 20 years, telling people I haven’t seen this has sometimes made them viscerally angry. Which has been a notch more fun than actually seeing the movie.

#16) Broadway Danny Rose (1984)

Story is so-so, but Woody Allen the Actor practically at his peak here.

#15) The Unbelievable Truth (1989)

Robert John Burke has big Milo Ventimiglia vibes and I dig it.

#14) My Octopus Teacher (2020)

Thought this might make me stop eating octopus, but I'll be okay.

#13) Shutter Island (2010)

Here's an unpopular/bad opinion: I'm not sure cinema legend Martin Scorsese was the right director for this.

#12) Bananas (1971)

Timeless. Feels (a little) like a very long skit. I can't believe I'm saying this, but—I think a loose remake would be rad.

#11) Roxanne (1987)

Quintessential 80s. One of Steve Martin's most charming. Props to the prosthetics department.

#10) Coming to America (1988)

There are people in the world who dislike this movie, so anything's possible, kids.

#9) Harold and Maude (1971)

Wes Anderson has seen this more than twice, I'd wager.

#8) The Producers (1967)

Embarrassing it was new to me, but unembarassed to say it was an honor to watch Wilder and Mostel go batshit crazy for roughly 90 minutes. A top 3 Mel Brooks.

#7) The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

Anne Hathaway's character was labeled as "not skinny" ... 2006 was fuckin wild man. More enjoyable than I guessed.

#6) Devil in a Blue Dress (1995)

Sucker for an L.A. period noir. Really can't get any better than this, for what it is.

#5) Play Misty For Me (1971)

Right up there with Fatal Attraction in the Crazy Ladies You Shouldn't Have Slept With subgenre. Worth watching just for Jessica Walter, who's extraordinary.

#4) Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

Diane Keaton and Woody Allen could have made 50 movies together and I'd have loved them all.

#3) Waking Ned Devine (1998)

Irish comfort food. Put it on loop.

#2) Shiva Baby (2020)

My first Emma Seligman movie. Instant fan. And Rachel Sennott is palpably talented and an undisputed future star of our generation. Quote me.

#1) Risky Business (1983)

Tom Cruise has been in some of my favorite movies, and he's a Scientologist, and I can't reconcile that in my brain.

*Feature image by Graham Sisk, created for Pipeline Artists