The Queue: 365 Movies I Never Saw Because I've Spent Too Much Time on Twitter - Part XI (November 2023)
Part 11 (the penultimate, you might say, in TV terms, which I haven't watched in like a year ...) of a 12-part series whereupon I watch one movie a day and rank them in their given month based entirely on subjective preferences.
The rules:
1) must be a movie I've never seen
2) review must be 32 words or less
3) must include an assortment of genres, directors, countries, and films inside and outside my comfort zone
4) must watch the film in its entirety, no matter how atrocious
Like you, I have a lot of movies on my list, many of which are so painfully popular, I carry great shame in having missed them. Few regrets. But great shame.
For each, I shall write only brief thoughts and become an intolerable quasi-cinephile who thinks Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles is more interesting than any Marvel movie, and Phil Alden Robinson is a better director than James Cameron. Both of which are true.
I apologize for nothing.
Enjoy.
~MJM
So ... this is not a classic—it's too slow, too sloppy, too dull. But something about it felt comfortable. At least.
#29) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
This completes my Vacation quad ... rilogy? It's not great. It's not terrible. Painfully unfunny, mostly.
One of the few Laurel and Hardy movies I hadn't seen. If only I could go back in time and keep it that way. Possibly their only lame film.
#27) The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
As a Star Wars fan, I can confirm this was every bit the travesty I imagined. It's not that it's silly (though it is), it's that it's brutally silly.
#26) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
Not to be a basic male, but: Michelle Monaghan ... my goodness. The movie itself, I have no idea. Like a collection of cool guy handshakes—a narrative I'm not a part of.
Fine. Just one of those genre hybrids that doesn't exactly work like it should.
Needs more muppets.
Needs more muppets (but—George C. Scott plays this made-for-TV role with such unnecessary intensity ... it's actually sort of okay?)
#22) Home for the Holidays (1995)
Worth watching once for the most randomly assembled cast.
These motherfu*kers don't sing the title song until the last three minutes, and then they don't even do the whole thing ... Save yourself two witless hours and watch Holiday Inn.
File under "Objectively Good Films I Don't Wish to See Again." Although the last 10 minutes or thereabouts is haunting.
Goofy romcom noise. Which I'd normally like with a decent concept. Not my favorite Ephron.
#18) Miracle on 34th Street (1994)
A cheap knockoff. Mara Wilson is no Natalie Wood, but she's the bright spot regardless.
Within the context of 2003, I'd say it's slightly ahead of its time. So, credit due. Even if it's not next-level funny. Thornton: can't be better.
Brett Ratner just isn't a very good director, but this is serviceable. Because of Cage. Always because of Cage.
#15) Three Days of the Condor (1975)
... I know the rape scene isn't supposed to be a rape scene, but—sketchy.
For 2011 (or even now), the animation style is tight. One of the better holiday animated family movies no one really talks about (?).
Name a better Pre-Code actor than William Powell.
There's a dick size reference early on, and it goes further uphill from there (except for the 3-minute blackface routine ... which, and this may surprise you, didn't age well).
#11) While You Were Sleeping (1995)
Quintessential 90s, where the conflict could be resolved in five seconds, but no, why would you? Rewatchable. Bill Pullman coulda been our Hugh Grant.
Needs more muppets.
It's fine ... One can't replicate the charm of Notting Hill. But it's an effort.
Tonally, the absolute weirdest holiday romcom ... Blue Velvet makes more sense. Absolute must-watch.
Steamy.
#6) Christmas in Connecticut (1945)
A good holiday movie. A good food movie. This could be modernized so easily as a commentary on fake influencers. I'm a fan.
#5) Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)
It's a minor role, but Margaret O'Brien delivers a sublime performance at, like, six years old. Judy Garland is in this too, I guess. Sings a nice song about Christmas.
Watched this against my better judgment. I wanted to hate it and didn't. What can I say? I like a Reese / Vince combo.
#3) Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
Natalie Wood was a star from day one.
One of the coziest of holiday movies. Dominic Sessa is gonna be a whole thing.
Flawlessly played by both O'Donnell and Pacino. The ending is whatever, the framework didn't work for me. But a masterpiece almost of Rain Man proportions.
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*Feature image by Graham Sisk, created for Pipeline Artists