Movies: The Best Deal in America

You read that right, brothers and sisters.

No cap, as the kids say (many of whom, believe it or not, still want to see movies in a theater).

The greatest deal in town outside of staying at home and double-locking your doors hasn't changed much, despite claims otherwise from the Fussbudget®️ community. Sitting in a dark room with strangers watching moving pictures you may or may not like? Oh, baby. That's the ticket. Literally.

You're probably thinking—"how can my family of five go to the movies on the cheap?"

Well. I guess you don't. That's a fair and honorable life decision, but I don't know how a family of five does anything for under $4,000.

At any rate, without waxing poetic about why the timeless art of cinema matters to culture, the bottom line is:

Either we start going to movies, or the movies start going away. This isn't some grand lie perpetuated by doomsayers, it's pure economics.

So if you're convinced movies are the most expensive thing ever ...

Here are a collection of ~2-hour activities that, while enjoyable in moderation, are more expensive than going to your local folksy cineplex:

*the following is based entirely on anecdotal evidence. I'm not researching the median price of entertainment in every major North American city plus Europe and Greater Asia, but it's probably pretty accurate, you don't need to factcheck.

1. Bowling. Yes, bowling. The classic rich man's sport. Now roughly $80/hour (!) per lane depending on your town. Includes rental of someone else's shoes.
2. Arcades. Gather 'round for a sec ... I remember going to Chuck E. Cheese with two $5 bills, and it felt like I had Ocean's Eleven'd a token bank. A full afternoon of gaming including a break for that pizza with the white and orange cheese. You know what $10 gets you at Dave & Busters? I looked it up. A crispy cauliflower app. You can drop 50 bucks at any arcade in 15 minutes or less. I know this. I've lived it.
3. Going to the mall. You're simply not getting out of there without spending a minimum of $20. It's possible, but historically, it's never been done.
4. Museums. "Wait, aren't those free?" Yeah, I guess. Maybe the Lomita Railroad Museum. But have you gone to the Guggenheim lately? Walk in a circle for 25 minutes glancing at broken stained glass in a jar and whatnot for 30 bucks. And tbr, they deserve every last cent, too, but I'm including them for sake of argument.
5. Casino games. This is self-explanatory. Drinks may or may not be free. Never play 2/9 off-suit.
6. Brunch. A fake meal born from the wonders of capitalism.
7. Concerts. Get a Spotify subscription and a blindfold.
8. Comedy clubs. The current state of comedy may not justify a two drink minimum.
9. Sporting events. You know what happens when your team wins a World Series? $78 fountain drinks. *noting, however, that college sports are the best deal, but unless your name is my name, you're not wasting your time at a Long Beach State women's volleyball game. Though you should, they're very athletic and entertaining.
10. Escape rooms. Life is an escape room. That's free.
11. Mini golf. I'm not even gonna comment on how much this costs for what you get.
12. Regular golf. This doesn't really apply to most of you, and it doesn't fit the ~2-hour criteria. I'm just using this space as a plea to stay off the courses. They wanted to grow the game. It's grown now. It's too crowded. You don't know wtf you're doing out there anyway. Go to the movies. It's the Best Deal in America, I heard that somewhere.

*Feature image by Diego Ramirez (Pexels)