'That's Not How I Did It', and Other Fake Advice for Screenwriters & More

Let's play a game of make-believe.

You're an up-and-coming golfer.

You scrape up enough money to buy some golf clubs, as that is the necessary equipment for such an endeavor.

You go on YouTube and search "how to play golf for beginners."

You set aside a bit of time (and more money) to practice. You get as far as you can with the basics, and eventually, you take lessons. Because you're going to need instruction, right?

Yes. You will. It's a rhetorical question.

And you're really—hopelessly, in fact—into it. Like, Into It Into It.

This is more than a hobby, you think. You're gonna be the next Scottie Scheffler (as of the writing of this article, he’s probably the person you want to emulate most, he seems very talented and moderately pleasant) or the next Bryson DeChambeau (as of the writing of this article, he’s probably the person you do not want to emulate the most because he's such a pain the ass, but he wears nice hats). Or, not to exclude the LPGA, the next Nelly Korda.

And you think:

"I HAVE THE FUTURE BEFORE ME AND I COULD NOT BE MORE OPTIMISTIC NOR DRIVEN."

Then—

You meet a PGA Tour pro. And he's a nice enough fella. Has one of those Gen Z beards.

And you tell him all the things you're doing, as you, a pre-PGA golfer, are dedicated to your craft—the lessons, the tournaments you're entering, how you're reading every book about golf, the simulator tracking your stats ...

So he gives you some advice:

"Well, I didn't do any of those things to become a professional," he says (or posts on social). "I had someone mentor me. I networked and made friends with great amateur golfers who taught me a lot. What you're doing won't help. All you have to do is keep playing and getting better and meeting people who can help you. NEVER pay for lessons."

Oh.

Well, that makes sense! And if it worked for him, it can work for you!

The End.

... a ridiculous story that has probably never happened in the long and frustrating history of Amateur Athletics & Sport.

I can't fathom a professional in golf, or tennis, or baseball, or soccer telling an an amateur, or a fellow professional, how to get better. Tips and personalized guidance, yes. Definitive answers, no. Because in sports, either you put the time and effort and money (time, too, is money) into something to improve, or you don't. Either you fully commit yourself to a goal, or you don't. Either you find your own personal way to excel, or you don't—and drive yourself insane in the process. Natural ability is, for the most part, as we're all predisposed to excel at something, a myth.

Then why do Well-Intentioned Industry Goons™ (WIIGS, let's call them) telling creatives—writers and filmmakers and musicians and authors—how they should break in to their given industry?

Not "could." That's advice. We all need some coulds.

But "should"—which is not advice. It's hollow, self-superior wisdom.

Disclaimer #1:

Is networking more important in the arts than sports? Naturally. I'd argue it's important in sports, too, but less to gain "access" and more to, not unlike the arts, surround yourself with like-minded, equally motivated peers who will, in turn, push you to succeed.

Disclaimer #2:

In a creative industry, someone who's—let's be honest—fairly mediocre can maybe, sometimes, eek out a living if they have the right connections, if they're generally likable, and if they do just enough to get by. In sports, it doesn't quite work that way (but sometimes it does!). Although I subscribe to the theory that, despite a much, much higher degree of subjectivity in the arts, the talentless hacks may eventually get spit out the bottom of their respective medium. But that's neither here nor there.

So there are no perfect analogies.

But that doesn't change the fact your path is your path and should not be dictated as an objective blueprint by anyone else. Professional or otherwise.

Listen to all advice. Follow your own advice.

For point of reference, let's make this digestible by noting laughable pieces of guidance from writer/filmmaker professionals who got their big break in 1997 when Hollywood was buying 84 spec scripts a day, literary agents required queries by snail mail (with a SASE—you'll have to Google that abbreviation, it gives me panic attacks), and reps were actually reading queries in the first place.

"Never pay for notes or a consultant."

Thank the heavens, then, you've been blessed with qualified mentors who will always tell you the truth and spend unlimited amounts of time in giving you feedback on your work!

*I'm being half-unserious. Those types of mentors exist. Rare, but they exist. For the rest of you, you may have to pay for feedback and education eventually.

"If someone doesn't have credits—if they're not a [professional ___]—their advice is invalid."

Some of the worst teachers, mentors, consultants, and advice-givers I've seen?

Professionals.

I can't explain why (I mean, I could theorize, but that's another long, boring article).

You think every tennis or golf teaching pro was some huge PGA or ATP star? No .. quite the opposite. They built a life and a career on learning, doing (they largely have at least tried the thing they're advising on), then teaching.

And if you don't believe me, ask yourself why current pros in sports have instructors and mentors who weren’t career icons. Butch Harmon is still praised as the greatest golf instructor of all-time. He played professionally for three years from 1969 to 1971. He won the British Columbia Open (??) in 1971, then hung it up. But I guess he doesn't have enough credits, he doesn't know what he's doing.

"You just gotta network."

Beyond putting yourself out there and joining a community, attending events, et al, what does that even mean?

I think most people interpret that as "find ways to befriend those who can help me, then casually ask them for favors until they get sick of my bullshit and this fake form of friendship." Don't do that.

Also, you could be the world's greatest networker and still fail because your level of talent stinks. The access that opens the door is only as valuable as the talent walking in.

"Don't go to film (or any arts) school."

There's a valid point here. But you know what, you learn a lot from school. If you have the means and desire, just do it. Don't go into massive debt. Go into minor debt. If you go to USC or Harvard, you'll probably make some decent connections to climb the ladder (I don't think it's worth the cost, but I dunno, pull off a heist, it'll be fun).

"Don't enter contests."

Once in a while you'll see some savant of the arts claim, "contests have never helped anyone ever," since they don't have access to the internet or something.

I'll be the first to tell you competitions (including fellowships—those are contests too, don't let the verbiage fool you) aren't necessarily for everyone. But if you're entering ones with bigger fields (i.e. they're far more competitive than the Northern Idaho Horror Screenplay Competition) they do act as a great measuring stick of where you actually stand amongst your peers. And yes, sometimes it leads to reps, which leads to a spec sale or a produced script. You can ask Script Pipeline about that. (You're on a Pipeline site so you're getting a link for proof of this claim, sorry).

"There are no rules! (in craft)"

Yes, there is. There are many rules. Lax as those rules may be, depending on the context.

"There are no rules! (in how to become a professional)"

Yes, this one's true.

*Feature image by Cristina Bernazzani (Adobe)